A tardy eureka

I need to write this down, I thought, after licking the last melted chocolate bits of my trendy paleo mug brownie this lovely quiet Saturday evening.

This week has been the most difficult (I wrote "worst" but then erased it...) week of mothering I have had so far. My LO ("little one," as written in all the popular facebook mom groups I have joined and only recently realized what they meant when they said LO) Claire is just over a year old and she normally is a great sleeper- she usually falls asleep within seconds of hitting the crib mattress! The last week and a half she has had a cold and a GI bug, dropped 1.5 pounds (she weighed in at a whopping 16.5 lbs for her 1 yr checkup) during that time, and has had a horrible drop in appetite, not to mention losing lots of what I will delicately call "fluids" from both ends. Maybe it is because I am a nurse, but despite getting pooped and puked on I felt so happy to be holding her and soothing her. I felt like super-mom- momtastic! The last real food she ate before throwing up the first time was applesauce, and since that time she only nursed for about 5 days. After a surprisingly peaceful visit to the ER (she finally stopped throwing up after I walked into the hospital, but not a moment before!) and some delightful anti-nausea medication, she was able to keep fluids down and within 24 hrs began nursing like a newborn.

The recommended diet for an upset stomach is the "BRAT" diet (well put medical people who came up with the term!) which stands for Banana, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. I already had applesauce and some crackers but Claire refused the applesauce and would eat a few crackers at a time, but mostly just wanted to nurse. About 36 hrs into recovery she continued to refuse the applesauce, didn't eat bananas (which she doesn't like anyway) and would want to nurse almost hourly, screaming if I tried to put her down to sleep for naps or nighttime sleep. It started Thursday night, and progressed through today, taking literally 2-3 hrs to get her to sleep each time, despite the fact that she both looked and acted exhausted! Instead of her usual 2 naps/day and 7pm bedtime, she was only taking one short nap and pushing her bedtime to 9pm and waking up multiple times during the night and getting up super early. Poor baby, rubbing the bags under her eyes and pulling at her hair, but not able to fall asleep! During this time I had been frantically texting friends for advice and prayer because I knew I needed their support. Joseph was super supportive but Claire would only calm down with me so I felt the greatest burden (any other moms out there relate? :/)

I realize that as I type this I might be making myself sound like a patient, compassionate and amazing mom, but to be honest, after 36+ hrs of this I was exhausted, angry, and frustrated that I could not figure out what was wrong and could not fix it. I was running out of patience and quickly losing "that loving feeling" as the song goes. I began to think about those people you hear about on the news who shake their babies, and I realized that "but for the grace of God, there go I"- I had to take a few moments to really examine my emotional responses to this stressful situation! Did I mention I developed a sinus cold during this time and have been feeling awful and tired myself? I was at the end of my own ability to hold things together!

As I held Claire with aching arms and angry heart, I prayed that God would forgive me for those feelings and give me wisdom with Claire, and I also prayed that God would give me strength. I took some much needed time to examine the roots of the anger of my emotions. I realized that I have been angry about not getting what I wanted in some areas of my life, and that I had been resenting the people who I thought were preventing me from getting what I felt I deserved! I prayed that God would help me to forgive them and also help me to trust that He will provide everything I need and will bless me on top of that! As I prayed this and began to start releasing the anger and frustration I thought, "Claire seems asleep AND I have worked out my issues, so now will be a great time to finally lay her down!" 

It was not. As soon as I started lowering her to the mattress she began wailing as if I was starving her to death or something! At this point I broke down crying and enlisted my awesome husband Joseph to take over! He decided to do what we vowed never to do- drive her around in the car to get her to sleep! (We will not use sleep props! We will not compound damage to the environment by wasting gas on driving a baby around! Never! Not us!)... I'm not going to lie, the car trick worked and it felt GOOD! She slept for an hour and a half (he drove for half an hour and then we brought the car seat in and set it in her nursery for the rest of the time- which I only recommend if you have an older baby who can hold his/her head up to breathe!).

After she woke up we picked up Joseph's father to celebrate with a birthday lunch! I brought some crackers because that is all it seemed that Claire wanted to eat- and she gobbled up two of them and looked for more- so I gave her one more, and then our food came. I had ordered green beans as a side and gave her one to see what she would do- she ended up eating about a half a cup of green beans and a total of 7 saltines! I HAD been starving her! WHOOPS! I was super relieved and super embarrassed to realize she was hungry- she must not have wanted to eat the applesauce because she related it with throwing up! I didn't think to offer her anything else, I just assumed she was not hungry at all! From now on, this is what I will be referring to as a "momtastic moment"- where I am trying so hard to do the best thing for your kiddo but it isn't quite enough!

When we got home she ate some more and nursed, but still had a hard time going down for an afternoon nap. After holding her for an hour without being able to put her down, I finally laid down with her (despite the fact that she usually can't co-sleep because she stays awake when she's around anybody!), and after laying quietly for 15 more minutes she slept for a little while. After she woke up, she nursed, I made her a little smoothie which she sucked down and we ran a couple errands. When I got back home she ate a HUGE dinner, nursed some more, and went RIGHT TO SLEEP LIKE NORMAL! As soon as I laid her down in the crib I felt the most grateful I have ever been in my life I think! I felt like spring and rainbows and diamonds and warm fuzzies and dancing! And a brownie!

 Celebration activities:
1) For a few moments I cuddled with Joseph who verbally affirmed that I am the best mom ever for Claire. He is the best!
2) I warmed up my Thai leftovers and made the mug brownie and basked in the peace of a sleeping, FULL, baby.

Bargaining with God is futile (I will put in my "do the right thing coins" and the God vending machine will give me what I want: like a perfectly compliant baby... right?!), but He does care about me and what is going on in my life. Being honest with God and friends in a frustrating situation helps me realize that I am not made to do things on my own- My own strength and patience will falter and I am not perfect, but that's ok because I am supported and loved. Despite my momtastic failings, God still takes care of my precious baby and gently gives me wisdom before it is too late. This is the beauty of the gospel- despite my best attempts I come up short, but God not only realizes that, he covers my failures in grace and love, making up for where I lack. Not only this he blesses me by cleaning out the dark areas in my heart so he can bring me further into the light. Do I believe this and live it 100%? Not yet, but I'm learning as I continue to live this momtastic life.

Welcome to my musings.
Elisabeth



A few bonus thoughts: Joseph fixed a plumbing leak coming from the copper tubing of our hot water heater all by himself today! Woot woot! Also, we closed on a house on Friday! (I know I know- WHAT???!!! I HAD NO IDEA!!! I'll write about this soon!) If you were wondering, the Thai food I ate was "L1" from Lanna Thai in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It is my favorite, although 50% of the time it gives me the runs. I don't care, it's that's good. Also, I recently discovered nasal decongestant spray. I totally understand why people can get addicted to this stuff- I can finally breathe!!