That is how I imagine Claire might say "Mother's Day" next year or so. Ah, how cute it will be, I imagine, to hear her form words incorrectly! I had a few great high school English teachers (see item # 108 of "Stuff White People Like") and although I don't know how they feel about toddlers and baby talk (Mrs. Gronberg, if you are reading this, you'll have to chime in!) I have always planned to speak like an adult to my growing children. By the time she will talk she will be more toddler than baby anyway, right? My plan is, you know, to give her a head start in life and not confuse her into speaking like a baby if she is already a toddler.
So far, this plan has failed miserably. Claire doesn't finish her food, she is "all done," for example. I almost always say "All Done!" after she eats her last pea or blueberry, and the minute those words fly out of my mouth I realize that I should have said "Finished!".... but it was too late! I remember about 10% of the time; exposure to proper grammar is minimal at best. Luckily, Claire loves books- she eats them up! Literally! Biting off soggy hunks of thick cardboard to chew and very often swallow. I have read words off paper from a magazine in her poop. Really. Also, occasionally Joseph or I will point at a tiger or goose in her little books and say "lion" or "duck." We realize the mistake a few minutes too late, after one of us points it out to the other. "Hey genius- you realize that is actually a tiger, right? HA! HA! HA!" Despite my various efforts, this kiddo may be getting...who am I kidding- IS getting a few mixed signals as far as grammar, reading, and animal identification goes! So she will probably have more baby talk than I originally planned.
Here is a non- exhaustive Claire-English language translator:
Ma Ma - Mama
Da Da - Dada
Hi - Hi! (yes, I know, she is a genius!)
ba ba - bird. Also means Bye Bye on a rare occasion.
dah dah- dog
dat - that
bob bob- just something she says when she's looking around, and occasionally- if I time asking the question just right- the name of our neighbor, Bob!
tur dle - I want to say this is how she says turtle, but she just says this all the time whether there is a turtle present or not.
As you are reading this post titled "Mudder's Day" with content that has nothing to do with Mother's day, you may be thinking that I have wandered away from the topic of this post. Ah HA! Maybe I did a little! But here is where I bring it back--> I am learning that no matter how many mistakes I make, as long as love is motivating me then Claire will be just fine. It is probably developmentally necessary for her to talk baby talk as she is figuring out this whole world of language, and I trust that she will figure it out eventually! The point is I want to provide her with the best experiences and opportunities (and literacy potential!) and even though I often make mistakes I want her to know she is loved. My own mom taught me this- she provided me her best as far as learning experiences and good opportunities (not to mention excellent literacy!) and although she, like any other person (including myself), has made mistakes, I have always known that I am deeply loved. Knowing that is what has affected my life more than all the opportunities and educational experiences combined, and her love didn't just end with my childhood. She has been there for me through many life changes, both wonderful and difficult, interesting, and boring. She shows her love many ways, but the most obvious is through her actions.
Just today, she came over to my house while Claire was napping so I could go to a baby shower (Congrats again Tri & Ginny! So excited for when your little bundle of joy will show his or her face!) and when I came home she had organized Claire's little play area and mopped my kitchen floor! It was such an unexpected blessing and it made me realize how much I have in common with my mom. Not that I mop the floor when I babysit (don't hire me yet!)- but that I want to do things that make Claire happy, to bless her life. And despite being exhausted and busy and sometimes even hungry or thirsty, however imperfectly I implement my actions, I know they are motivated by love for this tiny person who clings to me the most out of everyone else in the world. This responsibility can feel overwhelming at times, but I know that I am not doing this alone. My mom felt that way before I was even conscious of my self, and I trust other moms out there feel similarly. Love moves me, us, forward. My practice, and I really mean practice in the literal sense of the word- conscious and purposeful repetition with the intent to master a skill- is to be aware of the moment and allow love to motivate my actions within that moment: my choices, habits, diaper changes, cleaning, laundry, words, tickles, and snuggles. Part of this is giving myself room to be less than my perception of what a perfect mother is/does, and allowing grace to seep in the cracks of my day, till it gently infuses my day instead of being bulldozed by my agenda for the day (which often happens!).
So on this Mother's day, realizing how many details I don't remember of what my own mother did for me in my baby-toddler years, and realizing that grown- up Claire will have no clue either, I salute motherhood and all who toil under it's often thankless banner. This is a hard job, but motivated by love we cannot fail. Thank you so much to my own mom, Penny Pederson, for all the love you have and still so willingly shower on me, and for showing me how to do the same for Claire. I would also like to mention that I love sharing motherhood with my sister Krista, who is far more tolerant than I when it comes to crying babies, and who inspires me with her gentle and generous love for her son Emmanuel.
PS- I can't remember exactly when, but sometime in the past few years me and my sisters (I have one other sister- Sophia- the youngest of us three girls) discussed my mother's name- Penny wasn't refined enough for my mother; she should have been named Penelope, with Penny as just a nickname.
PSS- Speaking of parent names, I have this memory floating around in my head from when I was younger, of my dad, Marve, saying "Without your mother, I would be Penniless!" and then my mom replying "Without your father, I would be Marvelous!"
PSSS- If you are in Tulsa and you want a really good margarita on the rocks, I recommend Cafe Ole on Brookside. I celebrated 5 de Mayo with my dear friend Andrea and although it might have been the great company and the fact that I had not had a margarita for over a year, I still think it was the best margarita I have ever had! It's hard to beat warm spring evenings on a patio with a good friend who laughs at your jokes!
PSSSS- on May 4th, Joseph kept saying "May the 4th be with you" and in my mind I heard "May the forth be with you" and it did not make any sense to me so I subconsciously kept ignoring him when he said that until probably the 5th or 6th time when I finally asked what the heck he was talking about! And then I felt silly because it was May the 4th and evidently everybody in the world (or at least facebook) says that phrase. Somehow I missed it.
PSSSSS- This is getting ridiculous, but I feel compelled to write a "goodbye" sentence. May the tenth be with you, and good night! :)
Saturday, May 10, 2014
Saturday, May 3, 2014
A tardy eureka
I need to write this down, I thought, after licking the last melted chocolate bits of my trendy paleo mug brownie this lovely quiet Saturday evening.
This week has been the most difficult (I wrote "worst" but then erased it...) week of mothering I have had so far. My LO ("little one," as written in all the popular facebook mom groups I have joined and only recently realized what they meant when they said LO) Claire is just over a year old and she normally is a great sleeper- she usually falls asleep within seconds of hitting the crib mattress! The last week and a half she has had a cold and a GI bug, dropped 1.5 pounds (she weighed in at a whopping 16.5 lbs for her 1 yr checkup) during that time, and has had a horrible drop in appetite, not to mention losing lots of what I will delicately call "fluids" from both ends. Maybe it is because I am a nurse, but despite getting pooped and puked on I felt so happy to be holding her and soothing her. I felt like super-mom- momtastic! The last real food she ate before throwing up the first time was applesauce, and since that time she only nursed for about 5 days. After a surprisingly peaceful visit to the ER (she finally stopped throwing up after I walked into the hospital, but not a moment before!) and some delightful anti-nausea medication, she was able to keep fluids down and within 24 hrs began nursing like a newborn.
The recommended diet for an upset stomach is the "BRAT" diet (well put medical people who came up with the term!) which stands for Banana, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. I already had applesauce and some crackers but Claire refused the applesauce and would eat a few crackers at a time, but mostly just wanted to nurse. About 36 hrs into recovery she continued to refuse the applesauce, didn't eat bananas (which she doesn't like anyway) and would want to nurse almost hourly, screaming if I tried to put her down to sleep for naps or nighttime sleep. It started Thursday night, and progressed through today, taking literally 2-3 hrs to get her to sleep each time, despite the fact that she both looked and acted exhausted! Instead of her usual 2 naps/day and 7pm bedtime, she was only taking one short nap and pushing her bedtime to 9pm and waking up multiple times during the night and getting up super early. Poor baby, rubbing the bags under her eyes and pulling at her hair, but not able to fall asleep! During this time I had been frantically texting friends for advice and prayer because I knew I needed their support. Joseph was super supportive but Claire would only calm down with me so I felt the greatest burden (any other moms out there relate? :/)
I realize that as I type this I might be making myself sound like a patient, compassionate and amazing mom, but to be honest, after 36+ hrs of this I was exhausted, angry, and frustrated that I could not figure out what was wrong and could not fix it. I was running out of patience and quickly losing "that loving feeling" as the song goes. I began to think about those people you hear about on the news who shake their babies, and I realized that "but for the grace of God, there go I"- I had to take a few moments to really examine my emotional responses to this stressful situation! Did I mention I developed a sinus cold during this time and have been feeling awful and tired myself? I was at the end of my own ability to hold things together!
As I held Claire with aching arms and angry heart, I prayed that God would forgive me for those feelings and give me wisdom with Claire, and I also prayed that God would give me strength. I took some much needed time to examine the roots of the anger of my emotions. I realized that I have been angry about not getting what I wanted in some areas of my life, and that I had been resenting the people who I thought were preventing me from getting what I felt I deserved! I prayed that God would help me to forgive them and also help me to trust that He will provide everything I need and will bless me on top of that! As I prayed this and began to start releasing the anger and frustration I thought, "Claire seems asleep AND I have worked out my issues, so now will be a great time to finally lay her down!"
It was not. As soon as I started lowering her to the mattress she began wailing as if I was starving her to death or something! At this point I broke down crying and enlisted my awesome husband Joseph to take over! He decided to do what we vowed never to do- drive her around in the car to get her to sleep! (We will not use sleep props! We will not compound damage to the environment by wasting gas on driving a baby around! Never! Not us!)... I'm not going to lie, the car trick worked and it felt GOOD! She slept for an hour and a half (he drove for half an hour and then we brought the car seat in and set it in her nursery for the rest of the time- which I only recommend if you have an older baby who can hold his/her head up to breathe!).
After she woke up we picked up Joseph's father to celebrate with a birthday lunch! I brought some crackers because that is all it seemed that Claire wanted to eat- and she gobbled up two of them and looked for more- so I gave her one more, and then our food came. I had ordered green beans as a side and gave her one to see what she would do- she ended up eating about a half a cup of green beans and a total of 7 saltines! I HAD been starving her! WHOOPS! I was super relieved and super embarrassed to realize she was hungry- she must not have wanted to eat the applesauce because she related it with throwing up! I didn't think to offer her anything else, I just assumed she was not hungry at all! From now on, this is what I will be referring to as a "momtastic moment"- where I am trying so hard to do the best thing for your kiddo but it isn't quite enough!
When we got home she ate some more and nursed, but still had a hard time going down for an afternoon nap. After holding her for an hour without being able to put her down, I finally laid down with her (despite the fact that she usually can't co-sleep because she stays awake when she's around anybody!), and after laying quietly for 15 more minutes she slept for a little while. After she woke up, she nursed, I made her a little smoothie which she sucked down and we ran a couple errands. When I got back home she ate a HUGE dinner, nursed some more, and went RIGHT TO SLEEP LIKE NORMAL! As soon as I laid her down in the crib I felt the most grateful I have ever been in my life I think! I felt like spring and rainbows and diamonds and warm fuzzies and dancing! And a brownie!
Celebration activities:
1) For a few moments I cuddled with Joseph who verbally affirmed that I am the best mom ever for Claire. He is the best!
2) I warmed up my Thai leftovers and made the mug brownie and basked in the peace of a sleeping, FULL, baby.
Bargaining with God is futile (I will put in my "do the right thing coins" and the God vending machine will give me what I want: like a perfectly compliant baby... right?!), but He does care about me and what is going on in my life. Being honest with God and friends in a frustrating situation helps me realize that I am not made to do things on my own- My own strength and patience will falter and I am not perfect, but that's ok because I am supported and loved. Despite my momtastic failings, God still takes care of my precious baby and gently gives me wisdom before it is too late. This is the beauty of the gospel- despite my best attempts I come up short, but God not only realizes that, he covers my failures in grace and love, making up for where I lack. Not only this he blesses me by cleaning out the dark areas in my heart so he can bring me further into the light. Do I believe this and live it 100%? Not yet, but I'm learning as I continue to live this momtastic life.
Welcome to my musings.
Elisabeth
A few bonus thoughts: Joseph fixed a plumbing leak coming from the copper tubing of our hot water heater all by himself today! Woot woot! Also, we closed on a house on Friday! (I know I know- WHAT???!!! I HAD NO IDEA!!! I'll write about this soon!) If you were wondering, the Thai food I ate was "L1" from Lanna Thai in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It is my favorite, although 50% of the time it gives me the runs. I don't care, it's that's good. Also, I recently discovered nasal decongestant spray. I totally understand why people can get addicted to this stuff- I can finally breathe!!
This week has been the most difficult (I wrote "worst" but then erased it...) week of mothering I have had so far. My LO ("little one," as written in all the popular facebook mom groups I have joined and only recently realized what they meant when they said LO) Claire is just over a year old and she normally is a great sleeper- she usually falls asleep within seconds of hitting the crib mattress! The last week and a half she has had a cold and a GI bug, dropped 1.5 pounds (she weighed in at a whopping 16.5 lbs for her 1 yr checkup) during that time, and has had a horrible drop in appetite, not to mention losing lots of what I will delicately call "fluids" from both ends. Maybe it is because I am a nurse, but despite getting pooped and puked on I felt so happy to be holding her and soothing her. I felt like super-mom- momtastic! The last real food she ate before throwing up the first time was applesauce, and since that time she only nursed for about 5 days. After a surprisingly peaceful visit to the ER (she finally stopped throwing up after I walked into the hospital, but not a moment before!) and some delightful anti-nausea medication, she was able to keep fluids down and within 24 hrs began nursing like a newborn.
The recommended diet for an upset stomach is the "BRAT" diet (well put medical people who came up with the term!) which stands for Banana, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast. I already had applesauce and some crackers but Claire refused the applesauce and would eat a few crackers at a time, but mostly just wanted to nurse. About 36 hrs into recovery she continued to refuse the applesauce, didn't eat bananas (which she doesn't like anyway) and would want to nurse almost hourly, screaming if I tried to put her down to sleep for naps or nighttime sleep. It started Thursday night, and progressed through today, taking literally 2-3 hrs to get her to sleep each time, despite the fact that she both looked and acted exhausted! Instead of her usual 2 naps/day and 7pm bedtime, she was only taking one short nap and pushing her bedtime to 9pm and waking up multiple times during the night and getting up super early. Poor baby, rubbing the bags under her eyes and pulling at her hair, but not able to fall asleep! During this time I had been frantically texting friends for advice and prayer because I knew I needed their support. Joseph was super supportive but Claire would only calm down with me so I felt the greatest burden (any other moms out there relate? :/)
I realize that as I type this I might be making myself sound like a patient, compassionate and amazing mom, but to be honest, after 36+ hrs of this I was exhausted, angry, and frustrated that I could not figure out what was wrong and could not fix it. I was running out of patience and quickly losing "that loving feeling" as the song goes. I began to think about those people you hear about on the news who shake their babies, and I realized that "but for the grace of God, there go I"- I had to take a few moments to really examine my emotional responses to this stressful situation! Did I mention I developed a sinus cold during this time and have been feeling awful and tired myself? I was at the end of my own ability to hold things together!
As I held Claire with aching arms and angry heart, I prayed that God would forgive me for those feelings and give me wisdom with Claire, and I also prayed that God would give me strength. I took some much needed time to examine the roots of the anger of my emotions. I realized that I have been angry about not getting what I wanted in some areas of my life, and that I had been resenting the people who I thought were preventing me from getting what I felt I deserved! I prayed that God would help me to forgive them and also help me to trust that He will provide everything I need and will bless me on top of that! As I prayed this and began to start releasing the anger and frustration I thought, "Claire seems asleep AND I have worked out my issues, so now will be a great time to finally lay her down!"
It was not. As soon as I started lowering her to the mattress she began wailing as if I was starving her to death or something! At this point I broke down crying and enlisted my awesome husband Joseph to take over! He decided to do what we vowed never to do- drive her around in the car to get her to sleep! (We will not use sleep props! We will not compound damage to the environment by wasting gas on driving a baby around! Never! Not us!)... I'm not going to lie, the car trick worked and it felt GOOD! She slept for an hour and a half (he drove for half an hour and then we brought the car seat in and set it in her nursery for the rest of the time- which I only recommend if you have an older baby who can hold his/her head up to breathe!).
After she woke up we picked up Joseph's father to celebrate with a birthday lunch! I brought some crackers because that is all it seemed that Claire wanted to eat- and she gobbled up two of them and looked for more- so I gave her one more, and then our food came. I had ordered green beans as a side and gave her one to see what she would do- she ended up eating about a half a cup of green beans and a total of 7 saltines! I HAD been starving her! WHOOPS! I was super relieved and super embarrassed to realize she was hungry- she must not have wanted to eat the applesauce because she related it with throwing up! I didn't think to offer her anything else, I just assumed she was not hungry at all! From now on, this is what I will be referring to as a "momtastic moment"- where I am trying so hard to do the best thing for your kiddo but it isn't quite enough!
When we got home she ate some more and nursed, but still had a hard time going down for an afternoon nap. After holding her for an hour without being able to put her down, I finally laid down with her (despite the fact that she usually can't co-sleep because she stays awake when she's around anybody!), and after laying quietly for 15 more minutes she slept for a little while. After she woke up, she nursed, I made her a little smoothie which she sucked down and we ran a couple errands. When I got back home she ate a HUGE dinner, nursed some more, and went RIGHT TO SLEEP LIKE NORMAL! As soon as I laid her down in the crib I felt the most grateful I have ever been in my life I think! I felt like spring and rainbows and diamonds and warm fuzzies and dancing! And a brownie!
Celebration activities:
1) For a few moments I cuddled with Joseph who verbally affirmed that I am the best mom ever for Claire. He is the best!
2) I warmed up my Thai leftovers and made the mug brownie and basked in the peace of a sleeping, FULL, baby.
Bargaining with God is futile (I will put in my "do the right thing coins" and the God vending machine will give me what I want: like a perfectly compliant baby... right?!), but He does care about me and what is going on in my life. Being honest with God and friends in a frustrating situation helps me realize that I am not made to do things on my own- My own strength and patience will falter and I am not perfect, but that's ok because I am supported and loved. Despite my momtastic failings, God still takes care of my precious baby and gently gives me wisdom before it is too late. This is the beauty of the gospel- despite my best attempts I come up short, but God not only realizes that, he covers my failures in grace and love, making up for where I lack. Not only this he blesses me by cleaning out the dark areas in my heart so he can bring me further into the light. Do I believe this and live it 100%? Not yet, but I'm learning as I continue to live this momtastic life.
Welcome to my musings.
Elisabeth
A few bonus thoughts: Joseph fixed a plumbing leak coming from the copper tubing of our hot water heater all by himself today! Woot woot! Also, we closed on a house on Friday! (I know I know- WHAT???!!! I HAD NO IDEA!!! I'll write about this soon!) If you were wondering, the Thai food I ate was "L1" from Lanna Thai in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It is my favorite, although 50% of the time it gives me the runs. I don't care, it's that's good. Also, I recently discovered nasal decongestant spray. I totally understand why people can get addicted to this stuff- I can finally breathe!!
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